In 1992 I was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Before my diagnosis I was having a small constant pain on the left side of my abdomen. I didn’t think it was all that important since I could take a couple of aspirin and the pain would go away for about eight hours. Then it came right back. The aspirin could get me through a shift though so I thought that my jeans were too tight and that if I forgot it long enough it would go away for good.

I was wrong. After working several months where I had been employed as a lab technician for almost twenty years with an aspirin bottle in my pocket I continued on in my lifestyle of work and party, party and party some more. Looking back and knowing what I know now I have no idea why the Lord didn’t just let cancer take it’s course and me. I was self centered, self assured and addicted. My life was full of pandemonium, crisis and sin. I chased women and drugs and was basically having a high old time doing just what I wanted. I had plenty of money a good job, my own airplane, and six houses.

The drugs took all those material things away from me but still I thought I was on top of the situation and I would just keep on keeping on doing exactly whatever my little heart desired. Except for that nagging little pain in my side.

I finally went to the Dr. when my job performance deteriorated and my boss decided to drug test me. I thought “I’ll just go to the Dr and side step all that stuff!” And I did. They told me I had an adrenal tumor and that with a short and relatively non invasive surgery I could go back to being a spoiled brat.

The day of the surgery arrived and I remember one of the white suited guys coming up to the gurney I was lying on and fiddling with the IV. It seemed an eternity later when I woke up. I can’t remember a thing about it except wherever I was during the surgery it was a very sad and dry place. I woke up feeling as though I had been weeping a long time. I had and endless quivering in my diaphragm like you get after you weep for a long sad time. I was very thirsty, more thirsty than I had ever been and I didn’t want Coca Cola either, my life long drink of choice, I wanted water, I wanted water NOW! The recovery room staff refused my request for water so when one of them bent over me (I don’t think they realized I was conscious) breathing with a respirator I punched him in the eye. Then the guy with the white coat came over and fiddled with my IV again.  Out went the lights. 

The nerve of those people refusing a man like me a simple drink of water. I didn’t know or care that they were still trying to save my life and if they had given me what I wanted I probably wouldn’t have survived.

I woke up tied to my bed as they were removing the respirator from my throat. It was covered with goo and they wiped my chest when they took it away. One of the male nurses was sporting a shiner but I didn’t know then that I was the cause of that. They gave me a little medicine cup full of crushed ice and told me I could have another in one hour. I didn’t have sense enough to ask for my glasses (my vision was/ is 20-400 but somehow I could see the clock on the wall and I nursed my cup of ice for one hour and started raising a fuss for another when the time arrived.

The surgery had taken sixteen hours instead of the foretold four and many of my organs had been removed. My left kidney, gall bladder and spleen had been removed among others. There was what looked like a zipper going all the way across my stomach. I would never be the same again. They said a grapefruit sized tumor had been removed from my abdomen but they thought they had got it all. All of what?

I got the answer in about three days when the report came back from the pathology lab. There was another tumor somewhere in my body because the one they took out had metastasized (first time I ever heard that word) from somewhere else. They found the original tumor on my right lung, it was involved also in my left lung and throat. I half heartedly asked if I should quit smoking. The answer from my oncologist floored me. “Its too late for you”, he said. I didn’t take him seriously though. He had his agenda and I had mine.

They couldn’t do chemotherapy on me because my metabolite level was too high. I didn’t learn until later that this was due to smoking pot four or five times a day. I was actually stupid enough to think that the pot was what saved me. The Lord sure had his work cut out for Him, huh?

Slowly my attitude started to change. Somehow the hills were greener, music was sweeter and something besides my overactive ego was speaking to me!

I recovered and now I know that I owe the Lord an enormous debt. My little girl was born and she was the total apple of my eye. She had many problems though ( and my stupidity and self-centeredness probably played a large part in that) . I became disenchanted with her mother and left her and my baby girl and immediately entered a depression to end all depressions.

You see I thought at the time that my baby girl would get better if I left the picture and my wife at the time didn’t have anyone to yell at and I could go back to being whatever. It still didn’t occur to me that I needed to straighten up and fly right. All that changed when I got arrested.

After about ten days in solitary my mind began to clear and I found that the Lord hadn’t abandoned me after all. He spoke to me! I can never tell you how happy that made me right there in the Booking lockup at Riverside Regional Lower Learning Institution. After all I had done, all the mistakes I had made the spirit of Lord descended on me and I had the religious experience that my grandmother used to talk about (and that I thought was poppycock).

If the Lord says, "You must lay down your life", I will. If the Lord says you must do whatever I will do it. I will march where ever He says and do whatever is required of me for the Lord loves me now I know. My reprobated mind is cured and salvation is at hand. Maybe I’m worth something after all. You know I really thought I was unsalvageable, fit only for the garbage heap. Praise God I have a new life clean and serene. I stopped smoking cigarettes after 47 years just like that though I have tried to many times and never making it twenty four consecutive hours without smoking. I now have nearly two months without smoking pot and I know in my heart that I will never do that again. I just hope I can reverse some of the damage I’ve caused other people, like my beloved daughter and my beloved son. (Another story, coming soon).

The point is this.  No matter how bad you are, no matter what you may have accomplished in your addiction GOD LOVES YOU as He truly, truly loves us all.  (The only reason I can think of is that He is the One who made our births possible)  You know how you feel the first time your child says a bad word?  I think its like this:  You're shocked and then maybe just a little amused and then you're filled with a protective feeling and LOVE.

Joshua 24:15

"Let everything that has breath Praise the Lord"